What do I want to be when I grow up....

I have no idea.

I feel like I have always been a little bit jealous of people who know that answer to that question. Well, depending on the day. Other days, I just feel like they are delusional.

When I was young, I wanted to be a monk. I feel a bit silly admitting that, but it is true. Tom wanted to be an Air Force Pilot or Marine, Kyle wanted to be a pyrotechnics expert (for about a minute)... what kind of kid wants to be a monk when they grow up? I even remember doodling little plots of the gardens and walls I would have in my little abby. Not sure why, but I have always been drawn particularly to Eastern Mysticism. The image of the Chinese Sage was always intriguing...

And then I discovered girls, and very suddenly my interest in being a monk was gone. :)

But in all seriousness, I feel silly asking this question after spending 6.5 years in school training for something to do with myself. I did organic vege farming for a while, and my heart was not in it. Now I am doing viticulture, and my heart is not in it either.

I enjoy working outside or with my hands, but hate the monotonous, mind-numbing tasks involved with most farming that I have experienced. It was ok when I could listen to NPR during my day, but I feel like I need something that engages my body and mind.

The second problem that I have is that I really feel like I have been lucky to have had the opportunities I have had, and feel that I should give back somehow. I want to feel like I want my work to benefit others. Maybe I am being silly, but I have been blessed to have received the support of so many people. I feel like I am wasting that somehow...

I also know that I think time with friends and family is precious. My current boss works 10-12 hours a day, plus weekends. He is dedicated for sure, but he also has kids and a wife that he cannot see very often. He is so busy that he rarely sits down, and always inhales his lunch in 5-10 minutes before running off to the next thing. I know I don't want that...

Hmm... Maybe I will figure it out someday.

~ matt